Needs vs Wants in Relationships: How to tell the difference

“How can I tell the difference between wants and needs in my relationship?”

As a sex therapist and specialist in relationship counseling, I hear this question a lot. It’s a tricky but important distinction for many of us. Being able to tell the difference between your needs vs. wants in relationship is often the difference between asking for your needs, or not asking and watching those unmet needs turn into discouragement, resentment, and disconnection. 

Over nearly a decade of working with couples and individuals seeking therapy for their relationships, and through talking with hundreds of people about their needs and wants, I’ve developed a theory that I hope will help you discover the difference for yourself.

Why asking for needs and wants is hard, and why it matters for relationships

“Do I deserve _____ from my partner?”

“Do I have the right to ask for _______?”

These questions don’t always have an easy answer. Sometimes it feels a lot easier not to ask for what we want (or need) because we:

• Don’t think we’ll get the thing we want, so it’s easier not to be disappointed

• Are used to taking care of our own needs and enjoy feeling independent

• Want our partner(s) to willingly volunteer the thing we want or need. If we have to ask, it might feel like it doesn’t count, or it might make us too uncomfortable to get what we asked for, or it could feel too vulnerable, and asking feels like “begging”

• Worry that if the thing we want is actually a need, and our emotional logic says that if we ask for it and don’t get it, the relationship may be destined to fail

• Simply don’t know what we want, need, or even how to tell the difference!

With all these challenges to making requests in relationships, we often try to narrow it down to what we really have to ask for by discarding the things we want and only asking for the things we need. It makes sense, and it can be helpful to be able to tell the difference. If you can clearly identify something as a need, then it’s worth taking the risk to ask your partner, and even potentially to have to take a firm stand for it.

When you do successfully identify that you have a need in your relationship, it can help give you the courage and motivation to clearly, collaboratively, ask your partner(s) for what you need. This can prevent a lot of problems and keep you two feeling connected and loving. Which is what we want!

Needs vs. wants in a relationship: my observations as a sex therapist

In my experience as a sex therapist and couples counselor, I have come to see it as three distinct but overlapping categories that form a sort of spectrum:

1. Needs to survive

2. Needs to thrive

3. Wants of varied intensity

Let's explore each of these, shall we?

Needs to survive, or basic needs in relationships

Survival needs, basic needs – these are the things many of us have learned to think of as needs, like food, water, air, shelter / physical warmth, and the absence of physical harm. Except in cases of domestic violence, which can threaten these basic needs, our relationship needs typically fall outside of this category. This can lead to some of us thinking that survival needs are the only ones that count as needs, and so anything else you may want in a relationship is a nice-to-have, but not a need.

Needs to thrive, or the things you need to be happy (or happy-enough) in relationships

These kinds of needs, the things we need to really thrive, rather than simply survive, are the ones that come up the most in my work as a relationship therapist. These are what people are talking about when they say, “my needs aren’t getting met” – and it’s not just sexual needs. 

To understand these kinds of needs, it’s helpful to remember that needs are usually general and underlying to our specific requests. I would direct you to a great resource for recognizing universal human needs, offered by the Nonviolent Communication (NVC) Academy. It’s helpful to look for the underlying needs when you’re having difficult conversations with your partner, so you don’t get stuck on situational specifics when you might actually agree on the underlying need.

For example, you could turn a specific need: “I need us to be having sex at least once a week,” (which may not be possible or preferable for your partner, depending on the circumstance) into a general need: “I need to feel close to you and to feel mutuality in our desire.” By the way, I’m pulling these needs from the NVC needs list I mentioned earlier. 

In this example, by shifting away from a specific idea about how your need will get met, to clearly expressing your underlying need, both of you can explore a variety of ways you want to feel close with each other, instead of arguing about whether sex once a week is realistic or not. 

Speaking to your underlying needs instead of making a very specific request can turn a practical stalemate into an opportunity for creative collaboration as a team.

Wants, in varying levels of intensity

There’s definitely overlap between high-intensity wants and things we need to thrive, since wants are usually the specific requests we make when trying to express an underlying need. For instance, the desire to have sex once a week or more, like in the example I gave earlier. 

First, try to distinguish both the specific want and the underlying need. So to use another example, someone might say, “I want a partner who will travel the world with me, and has a remote job so we can both travel for a month at a time.” This may be a very high-intensity desire, to find a partner whose lifestyle can align with their dreams around travel. 

The needs beneath a specific, high-intensity desire may be more general, like a need for adventure and a need to be able to choose the direction of your life. This person might say they need a partner who will travel with them, because they imagine that choosing a partner who has an office job would keep them from doing the travel they crave. But that’s just the scenario they imagine will meet their needs. 

If, instead, they focused on meeting the underlying need, an alternate solution may arise. They may find while they may want a partner who can travel with them, they may need a partner who respects their needs for adventure and ability to choose the direction of their life. That partner is happy to stay home and take care of the pets whenever they’re gone traveling. 

When you look at the non-negotiable need beneath your specific desire (the scenario that you imagine will meet your needs), it often gives you much a greater ability to use flexibility and creative problem-solving, and meet your needs as a team with your partner(s).

Needs vs wants: Somatic therapy tools to tell the difference between a want and a need

If you’ve looked for the underlying needs beneath your specific request, and still aren’t convinced that it’s really a need – “is adventure really a need? Or do I just want it?” – here I’ll offer some somatic therapy tools to help you go deeper into exploring the difference between relationship needs vs wants for yourself.

Try this: Body-based exploration comparing the sensations of needs vs wants

Here’s the basic structure: You’re going to come up with three different needs or wants, and repeat the same body-based mindful exploration with each different need/want. You’ll end up repeating this somatic exploration three times, once each with a different want or need.

1. Brainstorm your three different needs or wants

First, get clear on the need/want that you’re not sure about. Make it specific and clear, such as “adventure” or “a partner to support my ability to travel.”

Next, think about something that you’re very, very sure is a need, like “honesty” or “touch” – try to use something you need to thrive, not a basic survival need, if you can. But use whatever need feels clear to you. 

Last, think about something that you’re very, very sure is a want, like “chocolate cake at every meal” – this can be specific, and even a little silly. The point is just to get a clear comparison between a need and a want, to see what they feel like.

2. Compare your three needs / wants using somatic body-based mindfulness

Here’s the basic somatic mindfulness practice, which you will repeat with each of the three needs / wants: 

Imagine it being met: 

• When you think about (insert your need / want here) being fully met, what does it feel like in your body? 

• What sensations or emotions come up? 

• Where do you feel those? 

• What kinds of thoughts start to move through your mind? 

  
  

Imagine it NOT being met: 

• When you think about (insert your need / want here), what does it feel like in your body to NOT get that met? 

• What sensations or emotions come up? 

• Where do you feel those? 

• What kinds of thoughts start to move through your mind? 

Notice your somatic responses to each want / need and, if it’s helpful, take a few brief, descriptive notes about each of them.

Okay, so now that you've got the basic structure, let’s get into it:

Start with the thing that you know is a need. Let’s say “honesty” as an example. 

What does it feel like when you think about your need for honesty being fully met? 

What about when you don’t get the honesty you need?

Just notice and describe your sense of it in a few words. Take some notes, if you like.

Next, you’ll check in with your specific want, “chocolate cake at each meal” as an example. 

What does it feel like when you think about getting your favorite chocolate cake at every meal?

What about when you don’t get any chocolate cake?

Notice and describe your sense of it, and take a few notes, if it helps.

Last, you’ll compare your unsure need/want. Let’s say “adventure” as an example. 

What does it feel like when you think about your desire for adventure being fully met? 

What about when you don’t get any adventure?

Again, just notice and describe your sense of it, jotting it down in your notebook if it’s helpful.

3. Compare the somatic sensation of your needs vs wants

See what you notice as you compare your bodily and emotional experiences during the three parts of the exercise. 

• Did you have similar responses to each need or want being met, or unmet? 

  
  

• Were there differences that you can identify? 

  
  

• What do those similarities or differences tell you about whether your unsure example (in this case, “adventure”) is a need or a want?

I encourage you to develop your unique sense of the emotional and somatic distinctions between what it feels like for you to want something, and what it feels like to need something. 

Spending time in this kind of embodied reflection may help you trust your own sense of things more, and can help you to express your needs more clearly.

Getting your needs met in relationships starts with knowing the difference between your needs vs wants

In relationships, we all deserve to get our basic needs met, and we also have the right to ask for what we need to thrive. This doesn’t mean getting rigid or inflexible, but it is about understanding yourself and communicating your underlying core needs clearly. 

From what I’ve seen over nearly a decade as a somatic sex therapist, working with couples and individuals, it’s always worth it to take the risk to talk about the core needs each of you have in the relationship. If we never ask for our needs to thrive and just write them off as a want that we can live without, there will be natural consequences for that relationship. 

Instead, I encourage collaborating with your partner to problem-solve and find creative ways to meet those needs. You might just get what you need! (There’s a Rolling Stones joke just begging to be made here…) In all seriousness, though, it’s worth it. 

I know that talking about your unmet needs in relationship can be difficult, too, so if you are in Colorado and feel like you may need additional support with this, please feel free to reach out! I would be happy to connect with you, either as an individual or with your partner, to support you as you clarify what you want, what you need, and how to lovingly build a relationship that helps you thrive.