Somatic Tools to Transform Relationship Conflicts: Nervous System Awareness and Emotional Regulation for Couples

Understanding Your Nervous System During Conflicts

Have you ever started a hard conversation with your partner, knowing what you want to say, but got too upset or too shut down to say it clearly? Do you avoid conflict because you don’t trust yourself not to say something hurtful in anger? Or because it always ends with awkward silence, both of you feeling shut down and unheard? 

I’m a somatic sex therapist based in Colorado. I specialize in relationships and couples therapy, and every day I help couples overcome relationship challenges. I wanted to share one of my favorite tools for relationship conflicts with you so that you can feel empowered to notice your own nervous system (the unconscious parts of us that can sometimes send us into fight, flight, freeze and fawn responses), and to build the skills to get back to the version of yourself who you like (and who your partner can respect and understand). 

The “Temperature Scale”: Mapping Emotional States in Conflict

To put it extremely simply, our nervous systems can be imagined as a dual-sided thermometer. We can go either “up” or “down” in emotional temperature when we are facing a stressful conflict, however big or small.

(By the way... I’ve included a 5-page Somatic Self-Awareness Thermometer PDF with visuals for this thermometer, plus pages for all the personalized steps we're going to go through. Check it out – it’ll be a lot easier to follow along!)

When we are acting like ourselves and showing up the way we want to in a relationship, we are usually in our “green zone”. When we have stressful conversations and difficult emotions, our bodies often react by either by elevating “up” into the yellow / orange / red zones (fight or flight modes - this can feel like anxiety, anger, agitation, excitement), OR shutting “down” into the light blue / dark blue / purple zones (freeze mode, or sometimes a fawn response - this can feel like getting quiet, still, shut down, tired, fuzzy, spacey).

In conflict or under stress, which direction do you usually go? 

Do you get “hot” or escalate up? Do you get “cold” or shut down? Both?

Recognizing Somatic Signals: Personal Escalation and Shut Down

Understanding your physical sensations and behaviors at each “temperature” is an important step towards building positive conflict skills. Start by noticing the somatic (body-based) cues that alert you that you are no longer able to show up well in your relationship. Once you realize that you’re either escalating or shutting down, you can express the need to take a short break from the conversation, and then you can go do things that help you move closer to the “green zone”. When you feel more like yourself (and more able to treat your partner the way you’d hope to be treated), you can more confidently re-approach the conversation.

List your personal sensations and behaviors (how you feel and what you do) at each temperature

You can use the accompanying Somatic Self-Awareness Thermometer PDF workbook to make this part easier!

Taking Healthy Breaks: What to Do When You Escalate or Shut Down in Conflict

When you can recognize the signals that your autonomic nervous system is taking control over your conscious, loving self (or even your conscious, validly upset self), you can take steps to help yourself out. That will make it easier to hear your partner in conflict and to express yourself clearly, and with compassionate boundaries. 

Roadmap Back to Yourself: Personalizing Your Tools for Relationship Conflicts

Answer these questions for yourself:

• If I notice I am feeling and acting… (fill in the biggest signals you can pay attention to, both subtle and obvious)

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• What are my physical sensations and behaviors that tell me I need to slow down the conversation, or pause and take a break?

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• When we slow it down, what will I do to help myself re-center, or re-regulate and feel more like myself?

I’ve also listed some clinically-backed emotional regulation options for you in the Somatic Self-Awareness Thermometer PDF. You can use this workbook to get a sense of your own personal temperature scale in conflict, see some examples of how different nervous system “temperatures” may feel, and find some ideas for how to change how you’re feeling, to get you started on building your personalized roadmap.

Getting More Support: Teletherapy and In-Person Therapy in Colorado

If you’d like more individualized support to build healthy relationship communication, please reach out! I can provide teletherapy to clients anywhere in Colorado, and I also offer in-person somatic therapy for adults and couples, located between Boulder and Denver. I know this topic is easy to understand, but very hard to practice – and it definitely takes practice! If I can help you be more confident in conflict and show up the way you want to, I would love to be of support.