The power of self-care for couples to build healthy relationships

As a somatic therapist who specializes in relationships, sexuality, and confidence, I believe that self-care is a way to connect to yourself and figure out what nourishes the whole you. I see it as prioritizing doing the things that make you feel like yourself, especially in a world designed to distract you and keep you moving. 

I believe that nourishing yourself, so you can feel like yourself, is inherently worthwhile. 

For those of us motivated by relationships, though, let’s talk about how self-care benefits the people around you, and how couples can practice self care.

If you want to explore what self-care is and how to make it work for you, you can read more about that in my previous blog article, Self-care when you're stressed and busy: How to practice self-care when it feels so hard. 

Why is self-care important for me and my relationships?

Your relationships are better when you feel better

If you were trained to take care of other people first, by family, culture, or religion, you may believe that your relationships are better when you prioritize them above yourself. You may even believe that you are required to put other people’s needs above your own, in order to have and keep relationships. 

If this feels familiar, I am here to gently suggest that your relationships need you to feel good. 

When you don’t connect to how you feel and what you want, your loved ones may be getting a stressed, somewhat hollowed-out version of you – instead of a vibrant, fulfilled, relaxed version of you. 

If “vibrant, fulfilled, and relaxed” seem like fluffy, unattainable goals (“oh yeah, that’d be nice wouldn’t it?”), let’s try for a more patient, present, and fun version of you. 

Nearly everyone’s partner will prefer that over you being stressed, anxious, and tired. 

Couples struggle with stress and resentment when they don’t prioritize self-care

I frequently see couples where one of them is carrying some amount of resentment. Typically this happens when one person doesn’t take much time for themself, prioritizing their partner and family instead, but sees their partner engaging in things they enjoy, while they themselves stay stuck and stressed. 

This resentment can eat away at any couple, sometimes causing outsized disagreements over household responsibilities, and can drive an unnecessary wedge between you and your loved one. 

Stress impacts many people’s desire for sex

While for some people, stress can increases their desire for sexual connection, for many, many more, stress is a desire killer. 

It’s hard to relax, feel pleasure, and get playful with your partner when your nervous system is stuck on overdrive, and all you can think about are the things that need to get done. This is especially true if you hold a larger share of the household tasks – if this is your struggle, check out Eve Rodsky's Fairplay system.

Often when we’re stressed, our nervous systems keep us thinking that we need to complete just one more task, and then we can relax. Then one more task. And then one more. 

A different mindset, that helps us shift from going/doing mode to being/feeling mode (the mode where we can take time for self-care and nourishment), is reminding ourselves that that pleasure is crucial to our well-being and to our relationships. 

Whether it’s with yourself or with a partner, physical pleasure of any kind (not only sexual) can be a wonderful antidote to tension and stress. 

How to practice self-care with a partner: Self-care isn’t selfish in relationships

Talk to your partner about your beliefs around self-care and self-nourishment

How does it fit into both of your lives? 

Do you see it as selfish and assume the other person does, too? 

Is that really what your partner believes? If not, talk about it to check your assumptions.

Explore your mixed feelings about self-care

If either of you feel conflicting emotions about practicing self-care to relieve stress, try exploring that somatically and descriptively with each other. 

Describe to your partner how it feels to imagine prioritizing yourself – for instance, your excitement and yearning, as well as your guilt and hesitation. Stay descriptive, use sensation words (such as, “my stomach is tight”, or “my chest feels a little fluttery”), and don’t focus on the story of why you feel you can’t practice self-care (for instance, avoid fortune-telling by saying “you’ll be mad at me if I take that much time alone”).

Collaborate with your partner to incorporate self-care into your lives

If your lives are jam-packed and taking even a little time for self-care does create legitimate stress for one or both of you, collaborate to find that time! You could negotiate with them by asking them to help you creatively problem-solve, working together to find a way to both do what needs to be done, and to take time for nourishment (either together or on your own).

A few examples of what this could look like for a couple with young kids, to get you started: 

• one of you taking 10 minutes to meditate while the other is giving the baby a bath, and trading nights for each of you to get your 10-minute solo time

• shuffling the childcare schedule so one of you can take a weekly evening class in something you’re passionate about

• trading off grocery shopping responsibilities each weekend, and each committing to bringing the kids with them shopping, so the other can spend that time on something nourishing and creative

Keep this balanced, so both of you have the space to care for yourselves while minimizing the stress it causes to take that time for yourselves.

Self-care can help you manage stress and find more joy in your relationships

Self-care is not only not selfish, but it is crucial to a thriving relationship between two healthy people. Talking to your partner about your beliefs about this, and getting collaborative around how you can both be getting the nourishment you need, is your next step.

If you would like more support about any of this, I am available as a therapist for adults in Colorado, both one-on-one and for couples therapy, including sex therapy. I love helping couples find more balance and joy in their lives. If you struggle with this, I can help – feel free reach out to me.