How to confidently tell your partner how you feel (and ask for what you want) – Part 2: Calm body, clear words to communicate better

As a sex and relationship therapist, I work daily with couples who love each other deeply, but get stuck when it comes time to tell each other how they feel and what they need. In my last post (Part 1: Believe you deserve good things in your relationship), I discussed ways to challenge the common belief that your partner’s feelings and needs matter more than your own. If you want to build more self-compassion and understand your own feelings more, check it out!

In this post, I’ll give you practical tools to use before and during a nerve-wracking conversation, so you can trust that you’ll show up as the best version of yourself for your partner: authentic, honest, and confident, while being caring, loving, and kind.

How to communicate better: Healthy skills to share your emotions and needs

Help your body calm down and get unstuck in conflict

Here’s where we get somatic. Somatic, by the way, means body-based, and is my primary lens in therapy. 

Whether you freeze up and shut down at the prospect of saying something your partner might take offense to, or if you go the opposite direction and escalate further than you mean to when you finally bring up that thing that you’ve been simmering on, resourcing your body and nervous system can help.

A cornerstone of emotional communication in relationships is self-regulation. That means paying attention to how you’re doing, and taking the steps to stay centered and able to relate the way you want to. 

Try this: Emotional Body Awareness

Reflect on what typically happens for you when you’re trying to say what you really feel. Focus on the sensations and emotions, and on what your body does (like actions and movements – if you were being recorded on camera, what you’d see). Do you slump? Feel tired? Get frustrated and quiet? Or do you get sharp, take a harsh tone? Do you say nothing for a long time and then start yelling when it finally gets brought up? 

No judgment, just honestly reflect on your emotions, energy levels, and actions when you’re trying to communicate something difficult to your partner, and it’s not going the way you’d like it to.

Make a short, descriptive list of things that happen somatically (things you do or feel) when you’re NOT saying what you need to say to your partner, or you’re trying to say it and need a re-set button. 

For example:

My somatic cues: Edgy, thoughts going fast, quiet on the outside, hard to make eye contact, shallow breathing, body gets tense

Your list could look very different! What’s important is that it is descriptive and something you can recognize happening in the moment.

Now think of 1-3 things that usually help you feel more like yourself. Small things, please! No trips to the ocean (as nice as that sounds). I’m talking about things you could do at home on a weeknight. 

Some ideas to get you started: 

• Jumping jacks

• Walking outside and taking some deep breaths

• Listening to one song

• Splashing cold water on your face

• Get a little space in another room

• Read over the supportive things your validating “friend” (you) said (see Part 1)

• Have a snack if you’re hungry

• ________________________ 

Fill in your ideas and make a go-to menu for when you start to notice yourself doing or feeling the things on your list of somatic cues. Then, when you can, do them! 

So, for example, if you’re holding onto a frustration and notice your thoughts starting to race and your breath getting shallow, you might go into another room and do 10 jumping jacks. Notice how you feel afterwards, and keep tending to yourself if needed. 

After you’ve tended to your nervous system, come back and get ready to express yourself!

Use effective communication skills

In relationships, what we say to our partners matters… a lot. You want to feel confident in how you’re expressing the important things, like your feelings and needs, instead of avoiding the conversation altogether. So here’s a quick template you can use as a starting point. 

This template is based on the DBT (Dialectical Behavior Therapy) Interpersonal Effectiveness skill called DEARMAN - it’s an acronym, and we’ll focus on the ‘DEAR’ part, which is the actual words you’re saying.

Understanding the 'DEAR' acronym from DEARMAN

*First, unofficial step - Understand: Affirm the understandable part of what your partner is doing – let them know that you get it, and get them!

D: Describe what you’re noticing / seeing / hearing that is bringing up a feeling and a need in you

E: Express Emotions that come up when this thing happens

A: Ask clearly and specifically for your needs or wants

R: Reinforce Relationship benefits that come from your partner taking your feelings and needs into consideration

Using our example from earlier, this could look like:

*Understand: I know that you’ve been waiting for me to get home so you could finish a few little things up for tomorrow, and you need my input on them. And, 

D: when I come home tired from work and you immediately ask me about the kids’ field trip permission slip, before I’ve put down my bags,

E: I start to feel overwhelmed and frustrated.

A: It would really help me if you could greet me with a hug instead, and if you could wait for about 15 minutes before asking me any logistical questions.

R: If you did, I could change out of my work clothes and decompress a little bit. If I have that, I think I won’t get annoyed or as cranky with you. I’ll be able to feel more relaxed and able to happily help you out with dinner and the kids.

Try this: Effective Communication Template

Think of an example of something upsetting that you want to express to your partner. If you did the activities in Part 1 of this post, you can use the one you’ve already used to do some personal writing and reflection. Now, we’ll be turning it into something you feel confident saying to your partner. 

Write out your own ‘DEAR’ request to express an emotion and ask for something (or set a boundary). 

Tips for a successful ‘DEAR’ request: 

• Focus on using the word “I” more than “you”

• Make sure you’re naming a real emotion (not “I feel like you _____”)

• Make your Ask something concrete, not vague. 

  • Concrete: asking for 15 minutes of time with no logistical questions after getting home.

  • Vague: “I need you to give me space when I get home.” Without specifics, it’s hard for your partner to know exactly what “space” means to you, and – most importantly – how to give it to you.

Building self-confidence: You have the courage and skills to say how you feel and ask for what you need!

In intimate relationships, close friendships, and to some extent, all our relationships, it is crucial to express the things we want and need to thrive. If your mind is coming up with reasons why your needs don’t matter, or why you shouldn’t bring them up, you’re certainly not alone.

Instead of being afraid to hurt somebody’s feelings or make them upset, instead of people-pleasing and putting others’ needs above your own, you can communicate your emotions and needs authentically and effectively.

You can get to know your emotions and desires, and understand what’s beneath them. You can even believe that you deserve to feel how you feel, and that your needs matter.

I’ve offered somatic self-awareness skills and some ideas you can use to help yourself get unstuck and show up more centered in difficult conversations. You have access to the DEARMAN tool, a "psychology-approved" template to follow, so you can choose words you can have confidence in. 

Try the tools, go through the exercises, see how it feels!

If you’re still feeling stuck, or unsure that you can show up authentically in your relationships… you are definitely not alone. 

I get it. It’s a lot harder than it looks, and there are a lot of really powerful reasons why we get shy, small, and lose our voice when it comes to the hard conversations.

Saying what you feel, in a way that others can take to heart, is not only okay but crucial to building a relationship worth having. It’s a courageous act to take a risk that could build deeper intimacy.

If you’d like more personalized support, please feel free to reach out to me. I see clients in Colorado, virtually and in person, and I love helping folks feel more confident in their relationships. So send me a message – I’m happy to help!