How to confidently tell your partner how you feel (and ask for what you want) – Part 1: Believe you deserve good things

“How can I be more honest with my partner and tell them how I feel, especially about the difficult parts of our relationship?

I want to be my authentic self in my relationship, but I never want to hurt them. I would feel so guilty, and I’m scared of pushing them away.

What I have to say feels so important inside my head, but when it comes time to say something, I don’t know how, and it just doesn’t feel worth causing a fight.”

Sound familiar? As a relationship and sex therapist, I work daily with people who want to be more authentic with their partners without guilt, fear, or avoidance. 

From my years of work in this field, I’ve seen people transform through the combination of knowing ourselves deeply, believing that we deserve to advocate for our own needs in relationship, and using somatic regulation and effective communication skills. 

With these principles, you can stop people-pleasing in relationships and communicate your needs in a healthy way. Let’s do this. 

Tell your partner how you feel (without pushing them away)

Before we get there, let's look at some common things that get in our way.

Fear of hurting others by asking for your needs

Often, the fear of speaking up in relationships comes from an understandable place. Nobody wants to push their partner away, cause a conflict, or worse, lose the relationship because of a disagreement. 

If you don’t trust your ability to talk about your difficult feelings while keeping your partner from getting hurt feelings or reacting negatively, it would make sense that you might avoid expressing your emotions in your relationship. 

The problem with this approach is that if you don’t express your emotions or ask for your needs in relationships, you could easily become resentful, discouraged, and unhappy with a loving partner.

Trying to meet your partner’s needs, above your own

For women, and folks raised as women, this is often (in part) due to a socially conditioned pattern of people-pleasing and putting other people’s needs above their own. 

It’s true, your partner has needs in this situation, too. And I am in full support of keeping their feelings and needs in mind! While I don’t know your partner personally, I can probably guess that they need some variety of the following two things: 

1. To know how you feel, what you want, and how to give it to you.

2. To not feel blamed, criticised, or dismissed.

   
   

When we avoid conflict, or speaking up for our emotions and needs, we may be trying to give them the benefit of not feeling blamed, criticised, or dismissed, but we are depriving them of their need for important information about ourselves. 

Just like you want to know how they feel, what they want, and how to give it to them (when you can), they want and deserve to know you in this way, too. 

Think of it as a form of respect – you’re giving your partner an opportunity to protect their relationship with you (someone very important to them) by giving them the information they need to help you stay happy in your relationship with them. 

How to communicate your emotions and needs in a healthy way

Understanding yourself comes first! Get to know your feelings and needs

First, what do you want to say that you’re not saying? Try saying it just to yourself first.

Try this: Emotional Awareness and Expression Practice

Get it out. Express what you want to say, or ask for (you’re not showing this to anyone, so don’t hold back!). It doesn’t have to be realistic or even fair to your partner – the whole point is owning what you want and need. 

You could free-write, record a voice memo – if you’re creatively inclined, you could even make a piece of art, or a short song, or a dance, and then write or speak about it. The point is to express it without a filter. 

Next, take a look (or listen) and identify three things: 

1. Your emotion

2. The need behind it

3. Your (specific) request(s)

I’ll demonstrate with a hypothetical example.

“I am just so tired! Ugh, why do I have to do everything around here, I just wish my partner would show up for me the way I always do for them. I mean, I know they do a lot and I’m grateful but I work late and then they just expect me to show up and be there for them, plus the kids, when I get home, and I just get so irritable. I want to help out with dinner and the kids, just not right away. I need some space!”

As I reflect, I'll try to identify those three things, and write it out:

1. Emotion words: “Tired, grateful, irritable”… overall seems frustrated.

2. Needs: Rest. Partner to show up for me. Space when I get home from work, before home tasks.

3. Request(s): Partner to show up for me in general, and give me space when I get home… that’s kind of vague, so specifically? If they could entertain the kids for 20 minutes after I get home, while I decompress, and not ask me to do anything until I come downstairs. 

Try it! Notice if any parts of this exercise bring up emotions, make you uncomfortable, or feel particularly difficult. It’s okay (and expected) if it does, just take note.

Believe that you deserve to advocate for yourself in relationships

If you’ve been taught that other people’s needs are more important than yours, as many of us are, part of you may not fully believe that you deserve to ask for what you need. You might question if your needs are really needs, or if they’re “just” wants. I put the “just” in quotes because in my experience, things we really want are often things that we need in order to thrive and be happy. And when we are thriving and happy, we show up better in our relationships. So, even if your wants aren’t a need-to-survive, they are likely a need-to-thrive. 

Try this: Emotional Self-Compassion Practice

Staying on the same topic as before, try to express it like you’re telling a friend about it. Say it aloud and record it, or write it down. This time, focus on expressing your emotions and needs. They still don’t have to be “reasonable” or how you’d say it to your partner, just stay true to what you’re feeling. 

Now read or listen to it. While you do, imagine that a friend of yours is talking to you, telling you what they want and need in their relationship. Your only job in this moment is to enthusiastically validate your friend, and let them know that their needs make sense to you!

Again, I’ll demonstrate.

Me: “I’m just so tired and frustrated a lot of the time. I want to be able to get home, get a hug from my partner, and not hear about any chores that need to be done or anything about the kids. I don’t even want to talk or hear about their day until I’ve relaxed and eaten something.” 

Me-as-my-friend: “Totally makes sense. You need to relax when you get home! You have a hard job, you do a lot – you don’t want to have to do anything or take care of anyone until you’ve decompressed. I get that.”

The point of this exercise is to find the understandable part of your wants and needs and to build self-compassion around the fact that you have them, before trying to communicate them to someone else.  

Being authentic in a relationship begins with self-awareness and self-compassion

Once you understand your feelings more deeply, you can start to build some compassion for yourself. Healthy communication starts with you – caring about what you’re feeling, why, and what you need.  

Self-awareness and self-compassion are easy to read about and a lot harder to truly feel. If this is a difficult topic for you and you’d like to connect more with me one-on-one, reach out to me! I love working with folks to build a deep, authentic sense of care for themselves. 

In my next post, I’ll talk more about ways you can build the self-confidence to actually express how you feel to your partner, including somatic (body-based) tools and practical templates to help you figure out what you want to say. 

Read more in Part 2 →