Self-care when you're stressed and busy – how to practice self-care when it feels so hard

“I’m constantly stressed and tired, and I hardly ever find time to do things I enjoy doing. I’m worried that if I take time for myself, I’ll be being selfish, or it will make me feel more anxious because there are so many other things I should be doing.”

As a somatic counselor and sex therapist here in Colorado, I see folks every day who are struggling with a lack of nourishment. Not a lack of food-based nutrients, but a lack of restorative time taken for themselves. 

Constantly going and doing for the sake of productivity impacts our health, our stress levels, and our relationships – we know it affects us, but many of us struggle to slow down and take time for ourselves.

Self-care is a common enough idea, but what does it really mean? And more importantly, why is it so hard to do things for ourselves, especially the things that we imagine would make us feel good?

What is self-care, really?

The phrase “self-care” often brings up images of an indulgent bubble bath, or taking a day in the mountains at the hot springs (Colorado resident here, this is my favorite). It can be those things, but it doesn’t need to take much time or money – it shouldn’t ever take more resources than you have, because then it won’t happen consistently. It should feel small enough that it’s doable, while being meaningful to you.

One definition of self-care is, simply, “anything that you do to keep yourself mentally, emotionally, physically, socially and spiritually healthy.” I like this definition for its broad, holistic scope.

My definition is informed by my specialization in somatic therapy and attachment, specifically secure attachment with yourself. I define self-care as anything that your body, mind, and heart needs – that you can provide – to feel cared for and nourished. 

I encourage you to think about what kinds of things could make you feel cared for and nourished, that you can do for yourself. I’ll talk more later on in this article about how to make self-care practices fit into your life.

Why is self-care so hard? When self-care feels more stressful than not

Stress and anxiety management takes time – even if just a little time

In our fast-paced world, time can feel like a scarce resource. It’s true, many of us live extremely busy lives, between juggling work, family, friends, partners, and all the have-to-do tasks that keep our lives going. 

However, in my work as a somatic sex therapist, I see many of my clients stuck in constant “go-mode” in their nervous systems, which is based more on how their body feels than on the reality of the situation. 

Time scarcity and sympathetic nervous system overdrive (sympathetic is the “up”, or going/doing mode) can make it feel like we “never have enough time.” Never enough time to do the things that will reduce our stress in the moment – take a bath, be intimate with our partners (or ourselves), walk outside and put our feet in the grass, take some breaths. And yet, we have time to check our emails (again), or to scroll social media, or to do a favor for a friend. 

Those are all great options, too – I have nothing against an intentional scrolling session! But when it always feels like there’s no time for intentional self-care, consider that it could be your nervous system on overdrive, tricking you into never stopping.

Self-care can feel selfish if you’re letting yourself feel good

One of the biggest concerns I hear from folks about using self-care as a strategy for stress reduction is that it feels selfish. 

Selfishness is, by Merriam-Webster’s definition, being “concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself: seeking or concentrating on one's own advantage, pleasure, or well-being without regard for others.” 

Yes, of course – we want to care for the people around us and consider their needs. For many of us, that is a core value, and it can feel very fulfilling to focus on others! The trouble is, when we can’t tell what counts as “excessive” focus on our own pleasure and well-being. 

Plenty of us were raised in religions that either did not celebrate the pursuit of pleasure or outright called it a sin, and instead prioritized working hard, contributing to the community or church, and transcending the body in favor of spiritual or mental pursuits. 

I’m also willing to bet that nearly everyone reading this lives in a capitalism-based society. In cultures based on capitalist productivity, pleasure is often viewed as unnecessary, and perhaps even as laziness.

When we have been raised with a strong set social messages that are either subtly or overtly against taking time for our own pleasure and well-being, it makes sense that we might see a nourishing approach to self-care as “excessive” and indulgent. 

Just notice if that feels true for you. 

What you can do to relieve stress and practice self-care in a busy world

Make self-care practices fit your life

Some common categories of self-care that people often resonate with are:

• nature

• movement

• breath

• pleasure through your senses

• personal reflection

Which ones would you like to prioritize?

Often, more visually-minded people find it helpful to think about these categories in a few dimensions:

How the self-care will make you feel / how it impacts your nervous system, either “up” or “down”: 

1. Relaxing options

   and

2. Enlivening options

   
   

   How much resource (time &/or money) will the self-care take:

3. Small amounts of time / resources

4. Medium amounts of time / resources

   and

5. Large amounts of time / resources

Let’s combine all of these dimensions and categories to find a version of self-care that fits your life.

Choose: 

• a category

• a desired nervous system state (relaxed or enlivened)

• how much resource it takes (a little, a bit more, or a lot)

For instance – I know I love nature, so that’s the category I'll choose. If I want to feel more enlivened in my nervous system, and I have a couple hours to spend but no extra money, I might go for a hike in the beautiful hills of Boulder, Colorado (it’s not too far from me). 

Another example – If I stay with the category of nature, but I want to feel more relaxed and I only have 5 minutes, I might step outside my back door barefoot and take a few minutes to just enjoy the feeling of the grass under my feet and the air on my skin.

Try making a self-care menu for yourself with options in each of the categories, with adjustments for a little time to a lot of time, and for how relaxed or enlivened you want to feel.

Somatic tools to choose self-care in a busy life

A self-care menu is only helpful if you remember to use it! Many of us are so numb to our own stress and tension that we have to very intentionally listen to our bodies to tell when we need a break for self-nourishment. 

A somatic self-care practice you can try:

Listen to your body – try asking yourself the following questions and notice if any sensations or emotions come up:

• How can I tell I need self-care? 

• What does it feel like to consistently choose productivity over self-nourishment? 

• What does it feel like to think about taking time for yourself?

Often, the almost-automatic choice not to practice self-care, but to jump into the next task on the list, comes from a quick-moving nervous system that isn’t prioritizing slowing down enough to consider another option. Slowing down your awareness of that moment, the choice between nourishing yourself and being productive, opens up your creative thinking.

What options do I have in this moment? How could I care for myself in the next 5 minutes?

Self-care and your relationships

I hope by this point you’re feeling more inspired and confident about your ability (and desire) to incorporate more intentional self-care and nourishment into your life. I know it’s easier said than done, even though it’s something that ultimately feels good and helps in the longterm. 

If you would like more support about any of this, I am available as a therapist for adults in Colorado, both in one-on-one therapy and for couples therapy. I love helping people offer themselves the same kind of nourishment and care that they offer their loved ones. If you struggle with this, I can help – please feel free reach out to me.

For those of you in partnered relationships, check out my article on why self-care is important for your relationships and how to talk to your partner about incorporating self-care within your busy lives.